I'm Just Talking About Tonight

The drugs did not seem to be doing their job. I felt restless, mad, murderous, even. The anguish was ripping my insides out.

I glanced at the toolbar on my laptop.

1:17 am

25-12-2010

The wild party that many of my friends had invited me to had already started three hours ago. And, I was still indecisive.

I shook my head and almost threw away the laptop as I sprinted towards my closet. A little black dress fell on my face from my overcrowded, unorganized wardrobe. It seemed to be a sign, though I had stopped believing in signs since long.

I slipped into the pretty little black dress, always termed as a ‘wardrobe essential’ by every girlie magazine.

Kohl for my eyes plus a little gloss for my pout was all I needed and I was ready, clicking the heels of my shiny new black stilettoes as I walked.

I drove rashly, scaring the shit out of the poor, cold, homeless people as I zoomed past them.

I entered the party and, boy, was it hot! The air conditioners were on full swing despite the cold winter night. The hot, drugged, dancing bodies made them necessary.

I looked ‘hot’ and I knew it. Several, actually, more than several approving male heads and jealous female heads, turned to look my way as I went past. I did not spare them more than a cursory glance and a fake smile.

What was I even looking for?

Not love, definitely.

Friendship? I had had my share of true as well as backstabbing friends. I could not afford to take more chances.

“Mistie!” someone called out, recognizing me.

“Krish!” I nodded, acknowledging his presence.

“Dance?” he asked and pulled me close to himself.

He was the kind of guy that any girl would be attracted to. I was too. And, the drugs I had taken a couple of hours ago now seemed to have finally woken up.

I danced like mad, close to him, closer to his breath. I felt slutty. But he knew me, and I knew him. We were just friends.

It was then I noticed Mohit, standing at the bar with a wine glass in his hand, noticing me. That was the best drug of that night!

He was a celebrity after having won a few modeling contests all over the country.

He smiled at me. Smirking, I turned towards Krish, put my arms around him and danced for a few more minutes before finally leaving him and strolling towards the bar.

Mohit’s eyes were still on me. It made me feel exuberant.

“Buy me a drink, Mr. hot-shot model!” I drawled, lightly touching his left hand with my right my index finger. I felt him shudder beneath my touch. It made me feel powerful.

“No, no! I don’t drink alcohol, silly!” I said, pushing away the vodka he had offered me with a smile.

That seemed to startle him.

“I seriously don’t.” I smiled genuinely. “A Fanta, please.” I giggled to the bartender.

“Why are you high, then?” he whispered into my ear and it was my turn to shiver.

“Drugs.” I breathed into his ear, my lips brushing against his earlobe.

He gathered me in his arms as I almost fell down, feeling giddy.

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking into my face tenderly.

“Would I be on drugs if I were okay?” I rolled my eyes.

It had been a while since I had rolled my eyes. It made me laugh out loud as I realized how fake, how very unlike me I had become.

“You need fresh air.” he suggested and almost dragged me outside.

I lay down on the cobblestone path that meandered in the garden and he sat down next to me.

“Fuck!” I laughed again as I could not stop laughing.

“What?” he asked, curious.

When I did not answer, he started laughing with me or at me, I’ve no idea. Laughter is contagious at times.

He surprised me by bending down and kissing my lips. My mind shut down, my dead heart seemed to beat dully, and, my body took over.

I kissed him back with all the passion, all the madness, all the restlessness, all the pent-up emotions that I had been feeling all night.

I did not remember how we had reached what room, but I did remember the intensity, the wildness, the excitement, the ecstasy, the heat of that cold December night. And, I remember his asking me,

“Why is your body burning?”

“Because I am hot.”

I had answered huskily before shutting his mouth with mine.

We fell asleep God knows when. The sun was almost overhead when my eyes fluttered open. He was still asleep, like the carving of Adonis, partially covered by a white blanket dotted with petite maroon flowers; his arm around my waist, his head on my chest.

I carefully removed myself from under him and tucked the strands of my hair behind my ear. Only then did I realize that I was actually abnormally hot.

Shrugging it off as fever, I got dressed, kissed his cheek just because he looked cute and stealthily left the room.

One of his one-night stands, I said to myself as I drove back home.

It was not as if I had fallen in love with him. But yes, it was the first time I had done something of this sort..

I felt remorse creep over me, not because the night with Mohit had not been beautiful but because I felt I had betrayed my mourning.

Piyush had dumped me, almost six months ago, but I had never been able to get over him. My pain, tears, anguish, bewilderment, listlessness, suicide attempts, depression, prescription drugs, last night, each and every damned thing; he was the reason behind all of it.

I unlocked the door to my lone house in the suburbs and slumped onto my bed. The clouds had taken over again- the sky as well as my mind.

I changed into a cotton nightie and stood in the now dark, misty balcony, looking over the vast empty meadows, letting the chill pierce my body and soul.

It was my comforter. Yes, I liked the cold. I always had.

It’s always there when the warmth betrays you.

I closed my eyes and slipped back into oblivion, back into the numbness that protected me from the warmth.

Can't Help It If I Wanna Kiss You In The Rain...

"Where are you taking me, Virat? And, I've been wearing this sleep mask for hours!" said Diya, exasperated.

It was a late winter night and they were in a private, chauffeur-driven, black Mercedes which was taking them to a destination that was a surprise for her.

"The flight was of forty minutes and we've been in this car for only ten minutes. Clearly, not even one hour has passed! You exaggerate a lot, Diya." Virat rolled his eyes, laughing.

She punched whatever part of his body she could blindly reach.

"And, I can barely hear what you're saying. Also, why am I wearing these earphones, again?" she fretted, trying to remove them.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. You need to listen to some soothing music, Miss Psycho." he joked, pulling away her hands from the earphones. "Just trust me." he kissed her forehead.

It was almost midnight when Diya and Virat reached a tastefully decorated apartment after an actual hour.

"It's getting on my nerves now, Virat. This isn't funny." she said, unaware of where they were and why.

"It isn't supposed to be funny, love." he whispered softly.

He made her sit on a beige couch in the bedroom and opened the french window leading to a huge balcony.

"Can I stop this music, please? My head will start aching. Don't complain then and I won't let you fuss over me." she pouted, her arms across her chest.

"Don't open your eyes." she felt his warm breath on her right ear and a shudder ran down her spine.

She let out a huge breath of relief when he gently slipped off the sleep mask, making him laugh.

"If you cheat-" he began.

"I won't!" she cried before he could get all the words out of his mouth.

"Good." she felt his fingers linger on her neck before removing the earphones.

"Really?" she questioned, miffed, when he placed his hands firmly on her ears, shutting out only infinitesimally less 'natural music' than the earphones.

"Yeah." he said and she could see his sexy half-smile in her mind which was exactly his expression at that moment.

She just harrumphed in reply.

"Come." he guided her, carefully, still covering her ears.

"See, and hear." he said in his husky voice as he removed his hands from her ears and placed them gently around her waist.

She opened her eyes quickly and looked around.

They were standing in the balcony, dimly and beautifully lit by little aromatic votive candles, their flames dancing in the cold wind that was blowing.

He held out his hand, wordlessly and they quietly walked further towards the centre, beneath the velvety black sky. It was drizzling making her body tingle. Her just-back-to-work eyes hadn't noticed the rain before.

"Virat-" she began.

"Happy birthday, beautiful." he smiled his heart-melting smile.

Cupping her face in his warm, wet hands, he kissed her.

Even as they stood there, kissing, clouds thundered loudly and it started raining heavily.

Diya clung to Virat, her arms knot tightly in his hair; his arms snaked around her waist, pulling her as close to himself as possible.

She was reminded of a conversation with Virat that had taken place a couple of months ago. He had been out of town on the only day that it had rained there in the last two months and she had expressed her wish,

"I've heard so much about kisses in the rain. I wish I could kiss you in the pouring rain. I want to be kissed in the pouring rain..." she had said, disappointment and longing coloring her tone.

Virat could feel her smile as they kissed.

"You brought me to another city just for this?" she spoke, inches away from his glorious face, her eyes shining with tears of joy.

"It took a lot of planning," he laughed, "I've been following the weather forecasts of everywhere so damn minutely. And, then there's always the risk involved of the forecast being wrong. I am glad it did not happen this time, else, I would've looked like an idiot."

"What if it hadn't rained?" she asked playfully, still in his arms, both of them still getting drenched.

"I'd have kissed you anyway and hoped for the best." he grinned.

"This is the best." she stated, her head against his chest.

"Yes, I could've asked for no better day than your birthday." he smiled, rubbing her back.

"I love you." she whispered, gazing into his brilliant dark eyes.

"I'll always be there to fulfil all your wishes." he said simply, kissing the top of her head.

"And, when I have no more wishes?" she pouted.

"Silly, you always have more and more wishes." he chuckled.

"Can't you just play along?" she gave him a look that was akin to a child's whom someone refuses to humor.

"You're cute." he said, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Nevertheless," he began when she tried to push him away, pouting for not being answered, "I love you and I will always be there for you, I will always be there with you." he pulled her close, again.

She beamed and mussing his wet hair, kissed him lovingly.

Gone

 She stood on her toes,

And kissed his nose,

"Won't you come back?"

"Thorns of lies surround you, rose."

"But don't you love me?"

"It isn't enough to be close."

"Don't you miss me?"

"Like a tumor that daily grows."

"Can't you forgive me?"

"This is what you chose."

"Won't you gimme a last chance?"

"Betrayal isn't a feeling that simply goes."

"I will wait for you."

"I'm gone like the wind that blows."

And, she was left, alone,

Remorseful, miserable and morose.

                       

Sapna

"I don't wanna go! You know how I feel about hospitals. They are so depressing." Ranbir complained.

"Oh, come on! Don't be such a kid. You need to get that knee checked." chided his fiancee, Nina.

Ranbir rolled his eyes.

It was a late foggy December evening. Ranbir had had an accident the previous day. There was no visible injury but his leg was stiff.

"Come on." she smiled at him and took him by the hand.

Nina was a psychiatrist and she was taking him to the multi-specialty hospital where she worked.

"Fine." Ranbir grunted.

"And, I want you to meet a very special patient."

"Why?" Ranbir asked as he sat in the passenger seat.

"She's such a poor little thing. I feel so sorry for her. She's actually very nice. She's not 'mental' in your terms. She lost her memory in an accident. There was a serious injury to her head and she now thinks that she's a kid." Nina informed as they drove slowly to the hospital that was merely twenty minutes away.

"Sad." Ranbir agreed.

Once at the hospital, Nina took him to Dr. Kumar, the orthopedic surgeon.

"You get yourself properly diagnosed. I'll be in the psychiatric ward. Bye." she smiled, as she left him outside Dr. Kumar's office.

Dr. Kumar ruled out any broken bones and Ranbir heaved a sigh of relief. He was prescribed some tablets and an ointment to be applied twice a day.

Ranbir went to the general psychiatric ward but Nina was nowhere. He decided to check all the private wards.

He reached ward no. 9 without any success.

"May I help you?" asked a nurse there, when he had opened the door and peered inside.

"Um, do you have any idea where Dr. Nina would be?" he questioned.

"She's with a patient. It was an emergency." the nurse answered.

Ranbir did not seem to be listening. He was staring at a pretty girl who looked twenty-five arranging soft toys on her bed.

"Sapna?" he walked past the nurse towards the girl.

The nurse followed him to the bed.

"Sapna?" he repeated, beside himself with bewilderment.

"Oh, hello!" Sapna smiled sweetly at him.

"What are you doing here?" he said holding her by the shoulders.

"Let go of me." she pushed him away.

"What's wrong with you?" he said holding her arm tightly.

"Pooja! Make him go away. He's hurting me." Sapna whimpered.

"Leave her, sir!" the nurse said sternly, loosening his grip on Sapna's arm. Ranbir let go reluctantly.

Sapna cuddled one of the big teddy bears and curled into a ball beneath the blanket.

"You must leave." the nurse ordered Ranbir.

But Ranbir was unable to move.

"Please." the nurse said, pushing him a little.

Ranbir came back to his senses.

"What's wrong with her? Why is she behaving like that?" he asked the nurse.

"Come outside, please." the nurse signaled.

They walked to a balcony in silence which almost gave Ranbir a heart attack.

"Please tell me what's wrong with her." Ranbir begged.

"She was brought here by an elderly lady, Mrs. Malhotra who had found her on the road covered in blood. Some vehicle had probably hit her. She had serious injury to her brain. It was a complicated operation since she was unconscious. When she woke up two days later, she did not remember anything. Moreover, she believed herself to be a kid. She's been here for three years. We know just her name, that too-"

"Because of the tattoo on her wrist" Ranbir finished.

"Yes. How do you know? Do you know her?"

"She's... a friend..." Ranbir whispered lost in thought.

His face was contorted with pain.

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" Nina exclaimed when she spotted Ranbir in the balcony.

"I've night duty tonight. Anyway, what did Dr. Kumar say?" she asked.

"Ranbir?" she touched his cheek when he did not reply, "Is everything okay? What did the doctor say?"

"Uh? Yeah."

"What's wrong with you? Pooja, what's wrong with him?" she turned to the nurse when Ranbir did not reply.

"I don't know ma'am. I just told him Sapna's story. I think he's just sad." the nurse shrugged.

"Aw!" Nina hugged him tightly, "Sapna is the same girl I told you about in the morning, the one I wanted you to meet. Isn't she a darling? But, poor girl. God knows why this happened to her."

"I've to go home. Gimme the keys." Ranbir said abruptly freeing himself.

"But your knee! How will you drive?"

"I'll manage. Just gimme the keys." he said curtly.

Nina handed him the car keys, a little hurt and really puzzled.

Tears clung to his eyelashes as he hurried down the corridor. His feet automatically stopped in front of Sapna's ward. He opened the door and looked inside. There she was, sketching in a notebook. She looked up at him when she heard the door being opened.

"You?" she pouted as she recognized him to be the one who had hurt her earlier.

Ranbir tried to smile at her but Sapna stuck out her tongue at him.

His anguish was killing him and it showed on his face.

"Aw. Are you sad, mister?" Sapna came running towards him, "I am sorry for being rude. Here, take this chocolate." she smiled at him.

His grief choked him. His chest tightened and he was blinded by the enormity of the pain.

"I am sorry." he almost broke down as he hugged her tightly.

"It's okay." she patted his head.

He wanted to scream. He let go of her and rushed to his car as fast as his injured knee would allow.

Once inside, he gripped the steering wheel tightly and let the tears that stung his eyes burn his cheeks.

Sapna was the love of his life. But, he had to leave her because his mother did not approve of her as she was an orphan. His father had died only recently and his mother was his only family. He could not bring himself to go against her wishes. They had moved out of Bangalore into Delhi and he had never tried to find out how Sapna was doing without him.

He had been in Delhi for three and a half years now. So Sapna had probably come to Delhi a few months after him and met this fate.

He wanted to kill himself. He was responsible for Sapna's plight.

"I will go mad." Sapna had smilingly told him when he had casually asked her what she would do if they were no longer together.

Her words resounded in his head and he covered his ears, wailing.